So much of learning to be good with women involves increasing your own comfort zone. Often I get students commenting on how normal it looks for me to run up to a girl in the street or enter a big mixed set in a bar. How at ease and relaxed with myself and the surroundings I am. Was this always the case though? Yes you guessed it, NO! This definitely wasn’t the case.
In my pua journey I first started out cold approaching in bars and clubs, not doing any day game because I had a 9 to 6 job. Initially I was doing the classic in-direct approaches and getting good success. In fact I got to a point where I could speak non stop for several hours. Keeping my mouth going using routines, stories and games. It was a thing of beauty…… Until I ran out of things to say. I had also developed the I’m not good enough as I am belief. This took about one year to remove but I’ll talk about this in another post.
I soon started to get bored with in-direct and my goals changed into a direction of wanting to develop myself. So I started to go direct and work on my humour, social vibing, core confidence e.t.c. Now after a year and a half of being indirect, you’d imagine I’d find it easy to transition to direct. It wasn’t. My social calibration had improved but walking up to a girl and being direct with little material was a completely different comfort zone. In fact doing that was well outside of my current comfort zone.
I was stressed whilst cold approaching like this for several months. Gradually though I familiarised myself with this new behaviour and all those limiting beliefs and uncertainties disappeared. When you are comfortable you demonstrate confidence.
Ever wondered how bar men pick up hot women? They simply are comfortable with the environment and talking to hot women. That’s it. Keeping them is another matter though and that’s usually where they struggle.
With confidence comes positive energy and good sub-communications. For example your posture, eye contact, voice tonality, dominance are always a lot better when you are relaxed rather than stressed or unsure of yourself.
I find myself living most of my life in states of fear and stress. Why do I do this to myself? Good question, I sometimes wonder this myself. Only joking, I love it. I love the feeling of stress or being in an unfamiliar environment because I know these are times when I am growing. If I don’t shy away from these situations, eventually, its only a matter of time, I will become desensitised to them. I will then have a new addition to my personality.
Be willing to make a fool of yourself. A good pua will have been humiliated many times through his journey. Only once he is used to rejection is it possible for him to relax and add tweaks to his game.
If you have little social contact during the day then when you are out at night it will be harder for you to do those first few approaches. Your current state of mind and comfort zone will be very much inside of your head and away from others. The best way to deal with this? Start talking to people straight away. Don’t wait, buy a drink, or goto the toilet. You want to ask someone where the toilet is or find out a good bar recommendation before you do anything.
If you are about to bungee jump the longer you wait on the top of that bridge before you do it the more nervous energy will be produced. This nervous energy / stress is your brain telling you not to do it. Instead of waiting, you want to jump straight away so this chemical reaction doesn’t have time to take place. If you get the bus into town then ask the driver how his week has been. Starting getting sociable immediately.
Push yourself, enjoy the pain, bask in the growth. Myself, I shall be doing a stand up comedy course and Wing Chun this year. Both scare me and excite me for different reasons. Will they be tough? Yes. Will they make me a better more dynamic individual? Without a doubt.
Live your life with passion and stress,
Always growing and evolving,